Tiredness

There are times I wish I could move far far away from here.  I wish my little family could just be the only ones that mattered.  I am tired of petty nitpicking of the way I do things.  I am just tired.  I want a fresh start without judgement.

I can't post on FB because certain people try to read into my posts and "diagnose" me.

I can't talk to the people around me because they shut me down quickly.

I am the happiest with my 2 kids and husband and that is all I want.  I want to go far away from this place.

I am tired of my mother insisting I get a job and put the kids back in school.  We love homeschooling but she doesn't support it in the least bit way.  Nothing is ever good enough.

I am tired.  I am sad,  I am heartbroken.  I need to mend with loving people around me.

:/

Making Friends is Hard

So since losing my best friend, I have been trying to find a new one.  I have always been on the lookout for that one true friend. I was hoping to find a good friend in the homeschool world...but have yet to find that one true person.  I suppose I came into this journey with certain perceptions- but they have proven false.  I was hoping to find a person like a me.  I have went to a few HSing meet and greet park days and so far I have found a couple of people that I can relate to, but are older, and the people that are my age are not the type of people I want to be my friends.

When I was a teenager I used to make silly lists on what I wanted in a boyfriend.  If I were to make a list for a best friend it would be:

• farm background
• not rough around the edges, sweet and non judgemental
• not loud mouthed
• homeschool friendly
• preferably old time Missionary Baptist

There would probably be others but those would be the top 5.  I would like them to from this area.  Some of the women I met today were not local to the area and were very outspoken about living here.  Very insulting.  If the kids weren't having so much fun we would have just left, but for them I hung on.  Hung on and felt myself slipping away into a dark corner where I wasn't welcome.  The lady sitting closest to me said that living in the midwest was hard because the people were rude, clicky, and unwelcoming.  HELLO?! Do you not see me sitting here?! Sigh. She also used several curse words in the presence of the children...while I do the same at home on occasion, I try my best not to make it a regular thing.  Yes we are clicky and are not open to change.  No we don't party and entertain a lot- which is fine by me.  We are a close knit farming community and our lives revolve around our church family/God, our immediate family/friends, and the farm.  I had never had a person make that sound bad before until today.

Here is this woman sitting in HOT pink shorts and a T-Shirt with foul wording on it next to me and says to me, " I can see your son and daughter are both ones not to care about style." Really?! They are 6 and 8.  They care about what they look like, but style no probably not they are both jeans and t-shirt kids like their mom and dad.  But who says that? I could have said mean and nasty things to her but I didn't, I refrained from seeping that low.  I refrained because I figured she was going to attack me next (Jeans, flip flops, a grey t-shirt and my hair in a french braid...)

I feel so lonely right now-I didn't realize it was possible to feel this lonely.  My husband is the only person I feel like I can talk to, and while that is great I still need a woman to talk to sometimes.  But I feel that I don't have anyone whom I can truly relate to.  

Passing

Friday evening my grandfather, Joseph Leon Kirksey passed from this world.  He was my best friend. I am trying my best not to be angry, but I am.  I am angry because I no longer have anyone to share me hopes and dreams with.  We had a lot of great times together over the past year or so.  I told him everything.  He always encouraged me to follow my dreams, and whatever I was doing to keep it up.  I miss him so much already.  Cancer is an evil evil thing.  He started feeling bad this spring and went downhill fast.  I am glad that my kids are old enough to remember him, but am sad for them because I can't ease their pain.  Death is hard for anyone, much more for kids.  I am glad that my kids have great-grandparents though.  I never did.

Grandpa will be missed, but not forgotten.  He shared with me many things that I don't believe he ever shared with any other family.  I knew when I started cleaning for him, that I would be closer to him, but I could never imagine the pain I feel now.

Joseph Leon Kirksey, of Pleasant Hope, Missouri, passed from this life during the late evening hours of August 7, 2015, in the presence and prayers of his three daughters, at Parkview Nursing Home, in Bolivar, Missouri.

Joe was born on September 2, 1932, near Aldrich, Missouri. Joe was the fifth of seven sons born to Jesse and Delphia Waggoner Kirksey. He was saved at an early age at the Mitchell Campground Church near Aldrich, and was a member of New Hope Baptist Church.

On September 23, 1950, Joe married the love of his life, Anna Marie Asbell. To this union three daughters were born; Karen, Sharon Kay, and Peggy. Joe and Anna worked together on a dairy farm most of their 61 years of marriage. Anna departed this life on October 1, 2011.

Joe loved farming, gardening, and spending time with his family. He especially enjoyed homemade ice cream on the 4th of July, John Deere tractors, and sitting on the porch on summer evenings.

Joe was preceded in death by his wife Anna; his parents; five brothers, Gordon, Richard, Howard, Dean, and Herman Kirksey.

Joe is survived by his three daughters, and their husbands, Karen and Randy Woodmansee, Kay and Billy Dryer, all of Aldrich, and Peggy and Jack Barham, of Halfway; brother, Wayne Kirksey, of Walnut Grove; 10 grandchildren; 16 great-grandchildren. Joe will be dearly missed by his family, friends, and neighbors.

Funeral services will be held at 2:00 pm, on Tuesday, August 11, 2015, at the Butler Funeral Home, in Bolivar, with Elders DeWayne Burdette, and Dallas Stockdale officiating. Musical selections include “Amazing Grace” by Brandon Hobbs, “Precious Memories”, and “When the Roll is Called Up Yonder”, both by Dallas Stockdale.

Burial will be at the Pleasant Ridge Cemetery, near Aldrich, with Josh Woodmansee, Travis Woodmansee, Jim Bob Dryer, Chris DeHart, Travis Painter, Alan Simpson, and Mike Jones serving as casket bearers.

A visitation will be held from 5 – 7:00 pm on Monday, August 10, at Butler Funeral Home, in Bolivar.

Tonight will be hard, and tomorrow even harder, but I will get through it. We all will get through it. Life is hard, but Death is worse. At least he is no longer in pain, and the family is no longer in wait. Miss you.