There are times I wish I could move far far away from here. I wish my little family could just be the only ones that mattered. I am tired of petty nitpicking of the way I do things. I am just tired. I want a fresh start without judgement.
I can't post on FB because certain people try to read into my posts and "diagnose" me.
I can't talk to the people around me because they shut me down quickly.
I am the happiest with my 2 kids and husband and that is all I want. I want to go far away from this place.
I am tired of my mother insisting I get a job and put the kids back in school. We love homeschooling but she doesn't support it in the least bit way. Nothing is ever good enough.
I am tired. I am sad, I am heartbroken. I need to mend with loving people around me.
:/
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Making Friends is Hard
So since losing my best friend, I have been trying to find a new one. I have always been on the lookout for that one true friend. I was hoping to find a good friend in the homeschool world...but have yet to find that one true person. I suppose I came into this journey with certain perceptions- but they have proven false. I was hoping to find a person like a me. I have went to a few HSing meet and greet park days and so far I have found a couple of people that I can relate to, but are older, and the people that are my age are not the type of people I want to be my friends.
When I was a teenager I used to make silly lists on what I wanted in a boyfriend. If I were to make a list for a best friend it would be:
- farm background
- not rough around the edges, sweet and non judgemental
- not loud mouthed
- homeschool friendly
- preferably old time Missionary Baptist
There would probably be others but those would be the top 5. I would like them to from this area. Some of the women I met today were not local to the area and were very outspoken about living here. Very insulting. If the kids weren't having so much fun we would have just left, but for them I hung on. Hung on and felt myself slipping away into a dark corner where I wasn't welcome. The lady sitting closest to me said that living in the midwest was hard because the people were rude, clicky, and unwelcoming. HELLO?! Do you not see me sitting here?! Sigh. She also used several curse words in the presence of the children...while I do the same at home on occasion, I try my best not to make it a regular thing. Yes we are clicky and are not open to change. No we don't party and entertain a lot- which is fine by me. We are a close knit farming community and our lives revolve around our church family/God, our immediate family/friends, and the farm. I had never had a person make that sound bad before until today.
Here is this woman sitting in HOT pink shorts and a T-Shirt with foul wording on it next to me and says to me, " I can see your son and daughter are both ones not to care about style." Really?! They are 6 and 8. They care about what they look like, but style no probably not they are both jeans and t-shirt kids like their mom and dad. But who says that? I could have said mean and nasty things to her but I didn't, I refrained from seeping that low. I refrained because I figured she was going to attack me next (Jeans, flip flops, a grey t-shirt and my hair in a french braid...)
Here is this woman sitting in HOT pink shorts and a T-Shirt with foul wording on it next to me and says to me, " I can see your son and daughter are both ones not to care about style." Really?! They are 6 and 8. They care about what they look like, but style no probably not they are both jeans and t-shirt kids like their mom and dad. But who says that? I could have said mean and nasty things to her but I didn't, I refrained from seeping that low. I refrained because I figured she was going to attack me next (Jeans, flip flops, a grey t-shirt and my hair in a french braid...)
I feel so lonely right now-I didn't realize it was possible to feel this lonely. My husband is the only person I feel like I can talk to, and while that is great I still need a woman to talk to sometimes. But I feel that I don't have anyone whom I can truly relate to.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Passing
Grandpa will be missed, but not forgotten. He shared with me many things that I don't believe he ever shared with any other family. I knew when I started cleaning for him, that I would be closer to him, but I could never imagine the pain I feel now.
Joseph Leon Kirksey, of Pleasant Hope, Missouri, passed from this life during the late evening hours of August 7, 2015, in the presence and prayers of his three daughters, at Parkview Nursing Home, in Bolivar, Missouri.
Joe was born on September 2, 1932, near Aldrich, Missouri. Joe was the fifth of seven sons born to Jesse and Delphia Waggoner Kirksey. He was saved at an early age at the Mitchell Campground Church near Aldrich, and was a member of New Hope Baptist Church.
On September 23, 1950, Joe married the love of his life, Anna Marie Asbell. To this union three daughters were born; Karen, Sharon Kay, and Peggy. Joe and Anna worked together on a dairy farm most of their 61 years of marriage. Anna departed this life on October 1, 2011.
Joe loved farming, gardening, and spending time with his family. He especially enjoyed homemade ice cream on the 4th of July, John Deere tractors, and sitting on the porch on summer evenings.
Joe was preceded in death by his wife Anna; his parents; five brothers, Gordon, Richard, Howard, Dean, and Herman Kirksey.
Joe is survived by his three daughters, and their husbands, Karen and Randy Woodmansee, Kay and Billy Dryer, all of Aldrich, and Peggy and Jack Barham, of Halfway; brother, Wayne Kirksey, of Walnut Grove; 10 grandchildren; 16 great-grandchildren. Joe will be dearly missed by his family, friends, and neighbors.
Funeral services will be held at 2:00 pm, on Tuesday, August 11, 2015, at the Butler Funeral Home, in Bolivar, with Elders DeWayne Burdette, and Dallas Stockdale officiating. Musical selections include “Amazing Grace” by Brandon Hobbs, “Precious Memories”, and “When the Roll is Called Up Yonder”, both by Dallas Stockdale.
Burial will be at the Pleasant Ridge Cemetery, near Aldrich, with Josh Woodmansee, Travis Woodmansee, Jim Bob Dryer, Chris DeHart, Travis Painter, Alan Simpson, and Mike Jones serving as casket bearers.
A visitation will be held from 5 – 7:00 pm on Monday, August 10, at Butler Funeral Home, in Bolivar.
Tonight will be hard, and tomorrow even harder, but I will get through it. We all will get through it. Life is hard, but Death is worse. At least he is no longer in pain, and the family is no longer in wait. Miss you.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Ramblings...
A rant about facebook and other ramblings
I have been on facebook for several years. When I first started I enjoyed the picture sharing of the kids, the informational groups about canning and gardening, my facebook blog and sharing hints and tips. But now… my entire facebook feed is rainbow tinted profile pictures, confederate flag news posts, and religion bashing. I don’t need that kind of influences. The more people see and hear this stuff daily, the less they will be thankful for. When you surround yourself with negativity, all you get is negativity. Even the posts in our Missionary Baptist group has slowed down. But last night at revival I got to hear that 4 were saved at a local tent revival. So glad to hear of that good news!
I have a friend that isn’t much older than I. She has 3 kids ranging in ages 4 to 14… she doesn’t have a cell phone or computer. I envy her. She seems so happy. I am thinking about doing away with my FB page. I really hate to talk on the phone, but I like to write letters. I am afraid to do away with FB because I will be lonely. I find out about Homeschool group activities, sales going on locally, local news, and the like. But maybe, just maybe I don’t need those things.
Just last week I found out another family from my church has started homeschooling. Very exciting!
I have been on facebook for several years. When I first started I enjoyed the picture sharing of the kids, the informational groups about canning and gardening, my facebook blog and sharing hints and tips. But now… my entire facebook feed is rainbow tinted profile pictures, confederate flag news posts, and religion bashing. I don’t need that kind of influences. The more people see and hear this stuff daily, the less they will be thankful for. When you surround yourself with negativity, all you get is negativity. Even the posts in our Missionary Baptist group has slowed down. But last night at revival I got to hear that 4 were saved at a local tent revival. So glad to hear of that good news!
I have a friend that isn’t much older than I. She has 3 kids ranging in ages 4 to 14… she doesn’t have a cell phone or computer. I envy her. She seems so happy. I am thinking about doing away with my FB page. I really hate to talk on the phone, but I like to write letters. I am afraid to do away with FB because I will be lonely. I find out about Homeschool group activities, sales going on locally, local news, and the like. But maybe, just maybe I don’t need those things.
Just last week I found out another family from my church has started homeschooling. Very exciting!
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Life is So Busy
I know it has been forever and a day since I have wrote. I keep thinking oh that would make a good blog post, yada yada yada lol. But I never get it written.
Many things to update on.
We started down our new homeschool journey officially on June 1, 2015. The kids and I are really thriving because of it. I feel that I am now closer to my kids than I have been in a long time. Have also come to realize that Cooper was ignored in the math department more than I realized. I knew he struggled, but didn't realize that he struggled so much. I am so glad I pulled both of them. How a teacher can teach 20 kids and not realize that some of them don't even know their basic math facts (2+3, 3+4, 3+5, etc) really baffles me. I suppose they focused too much on the 10's for the Common Core math... who knows really. I am amazed at how much work we get done each week. They love it. I have learned a lot as well. Teaching two different subjects isn't difficult most of the time. I am so thankful that I have a God that speaks to me and that I listened.
We are in the middle of fescue seed season. It has been so hot- today it got really hot. I washed a lot of clothes and utilized our clothesline and the over 100 degree temps. Around 4pm I was out hanging clothes and got REALLY hot. Like overheated hot. Came in and I was shaking. Scared myself. But I feel better now.
My grandfather is not doing well. They moved him to a nursing home yesterday- the doctors don't know what is wrong with him. They thought cancer but the biopsy didn't show cancer. Now they are at a loss. They are going to do a PET Scan soon and see if they can figure something out. He is so weak and has lost a lot of weight.
Chris' birthday is tomorrow (31) and I would like to be able to have a real date with him, but I don't know if mom and dad will be up to keeping the kids for us. I hate to ask them, because I know they are so tired. Mom is tired from her dad being in the hospital and stressing about the whole situation. Dad is tired because not only does he have his hay to do, he now has the stress and load of doing Grandpa's as well. My Uncle is helping with Grandpa's hay too, but he has his own hay as well. Grandpa doesn't have any cattle anymore but he sells hay in the winter for a small income. My kids really aren't quite old enough to be left alone for a long period of time or I would help in the hayfields more. Once the hay is baled I will haul it, but it will be in the evenings most likely so the kids can play at Grandma's if someone is home. I feel they are safer there even if no one is home- it isn't on the hwy and the road isn't travelled much by strangers. I love hauling hay. It gives me time to talk to our Gracious Lord Almighty.
Dad, Chris, and the kids left for the seed house this evening at around 5:30 pm. It is 9:30 now and they are still not home, Guess everyone in the country decided to take their seed at the same time, no telling when they will get home. We didn't have any supper tonight- I haven't really felt like eating too much today. Nothing sounds good. I ate a banana earlier and I couldn't finish it. Hmmm. Hope I am not getting sick.
Many things to update on.
We started down our new homeschool journey officially on June 1, 2015. The kids and I are really thriving because of it. I feel that I am now closer to my kids than I have been in a long time. Have also come to realize that Cooper was ignored in the math department more than I realized. I knew he struggled, but didn't realize that he struggled so much. I am so glad I pulled both of them. How a teacher can teach 20 kids and not realize that some of them don't even know their basic math facts (2+3, 3+4, 3+5, etc) really baffles me. I suppose they focused too much on the 10's for the Common Core math... who knows really. I am amazed at how much work we get done each week. They love it. I have learned a lot as well. Teaching two different subjects isn't difficult most of the time. I am so thankful that I have a God that speaks to me and that I listened.
We are in the middle of fescue seed season. It has been so hot- today it got really hot. I washed a lot of clothes and utilized our clothesline and the over 100 degree temps. Around 4pm I was out hanging clothes and got REALLY hot. Like overheated hot. Came in and I was shaking. Scared myself. But I feel better now.
My grandfather is not doing well. They moved him to a nursing home yesterday- the doctors don't know what is wrong with him. They thought cancer but the biopsy didn't show cancer. Now they are at a loss. They are going to do a PET Scan soon and see if they can figure something out. He is so weak and has lost a lot of weight.
Chris' birthday is tomorrow (31) and I would like to be able to have a real date with him, but I don't know if mom and dad will be up to keeping the kids for us. I hate to ask them, because I know they are so tired. Mom is tired from her dad being in the hospital and stressing about the whole situation. Dad is tired because not only does he have his hay to do, he now has the stress and load of doing Grandpa's as well. My Uncle is helping with Grandpa's hay too, but he has his own hay as well. Grandpa doesn't have any cattle anymore but he sells hay in the winter for a small income. My kids really aren't quite old enough to be left alone for a long period of time or I would help in the hayfields more. Once the hay is baled I will haul it, but it will be in the evenings most likely so the kids can play at Grandma's if someone is home. I feel they are safer there even if no one is home- it isn't on the hwy and the road isn't travelled much by strangers. I love hauling hay. It gives me time to talk to our Gracious Lord Almighty.
Dad, Chris, and the kids left for the seed house this evening at around 5:30 pm. It is 9:30 now and they are still not home, Guess everyone in the country decided to take their seed at the same time, no telling when they will get home. We didn't have any supper tonight- I haven't really felt like eating too much today. Nothing sounds good. I ate a banana earlier and I couldn't finish it. Hmmm. Hope I am not getting sick.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Winter is back
Over the weekend we had spring-like weather- sunny, clear, 70's. We even didn't build a fire Saturday night as the low was 55°! Today it is 30°...blah. I think I would be happy to live somewhere where it didn't get below 65°. Saturday we worked a few cows and a calf- needed tags and some vaccines. Also needed to band the calf that was getting entirely too large-- he is probably nearing 500lbs.
Last night hubby and I stayed up looking and discussing different ways to build a new chicken house. I am so sick of free ranging my hens. I know it is all the hype to have free ranged chickens but I have done it now for 5 years off and on and I am done. Between the hawks, coyotes, dogs, and the laying of eggs in random places I am sick of it. I have never felt successful at raising chickens because so many of them die or "stop" laying only to find out they are laying in a hay ring clear across the pasture. I want a large chicken house. My ideal house would be around 20'x20' with part of it being a "run" I want to have 20-30 laying hens to provide us with eggs and a side egg business. I also want to raise meaties again and have them in the same proximity of the hens.
Another thing for the farm- we have our pig, Lily. She needs to be butchered asap so as soon as we get our tax return we are going to do so. But we want to get a couple more pigs too. I would like to get like 10 since we have the room and it wouldn't cost much to revamp the old hog lots that are already complete with hog barns. (My mom and dad raised hogs on this part of the farm for 20 years and my grandparents raised them as well) I don't know a lot of about raising hogs but obviously my parents do so I am sure they would help if we needed it. I don't know if hubby would be interested in getting more into a hog business. I think we could do okay and that way the hogs and chickens could be my part and the cattle and wheat could be his basically. I feel like I am not always doing a fair share with the farm so I feel that I need something to contribute more then just the canning and cooking.
One of our heifers in the lot next to our house should calve in the next couple weeks. It is just now a waiting game. Yesterday we noticed some mucus coming out and usually when they start that it isn't more than 2 weeks. She has developed quite a large bag and it seems that her calf has dropped. I hope she doesn't have any trouble and doesn't wait for a storm like most cattle do. ha!
Bob, our little farm pup, had become quite good friends with the heifers- it is miraculous really. He is quite the guard dog and is learning to be very protective of us. He is part red heeler and part min pin- we got him in July when he was just 5 weeks old. He sleeps on the front porch and always alerts us if someone or something is in the yard/driveway. He rarely barks unless something is up. We have had a couple issues with him killing chickens (another reason why I don't want to free range anymore) but for the most part he doesn't bother them.
As for the homeschooling - my library is growing! I got a large package the other day from South Carolina. I had ordered some of Sophia's workbooks from a lady. She had some others that I needed as well but I told her I would have to wait as I couldn't afford all of them. What a giving heart the lady has as she sent them all to me with a note that says, "Don't worry about it, we homeschoolers have to stick together and raise our children to be understanding" Made me want to cry! As soon as I can I plan on sending her something special. I am still waiting on an ebay purchase that I ordered for Cooper. Hopefully it gets here today.
Well guess that is all the updates I have- have a great week everyone!
Last night hubby and I stayed up looking and discussing different ways to build a new chicken house. I am so sick of free ranging my hens. I know it is all the hype to have free ranged chickens but I have done it now for 5 years off and on and I am done. Between the hawks, coyotes, dogs, and the laying of eggs in random places I am sick of it. I have never felt successful at raising chickens because so many of them die or "stop" laying only to find out they are laying in a hay ring clear across the pasture. I want a large chicken house. My ideal house would be around 20'x20' with part of it being a "run" I want to have 20-30 laying hens to provide us with eggs and a side egg business. I also want to raise meaties again and have them in the same proximity of the hens.
Another thing for the farm- we have our pig, Lily. She needs to be butchered asap so as soon as we get our tax return we are going to do so. But we want to get a couple more pigs too. I would like to get like 10 since we have the room and it wouldn't cost much to revamp the old hog lots that are already complete with hog barns. (My mom and dad raised hogs on this part of the farm for 20 years and my grandparents raised them as well) I don't know a lot of about raising hogs but obviously my parents do so I am sure they would help if we needed it. I don't know if hubby would be interested in getting more into a hog business. I think we could do okay and that way the hogs and chickens could be my part and the cattle and wheat could be his basically. I feel like I am not always doing a fair share with the farm so I feel that I need something to contribute more then just the canning and cooking.
One of our heifers in the lot next to our house should calve in the next couple weeks. It is just now a waiting game. Yesterday we noticed some mucus coming out and usually when they start that it isn't more than 2 weeks. She has developed quite a large bag and it seems that her calf has dropped. I hope she doesn't have any trouble and doesn't wait for a storm like most cattle do. ha!
Bob, our little farm pup, had become quite good friends with the heifers- it is miraculous really. He is quite the guard dog and is learning to be very protective of us. He is part red heeler and part min pin- we got him in July when he was just 5 weeks old. He sleeps on the front porch and always alerts us if someone or something is in the yard/driveway. He rarely barks unless something is up. We have had a couple issues with him killing chickens (another reason why I don't want to free range anymore) but for the most part he doesn't bother them.
As for the homeschooling - my library is growing! I got a large package the other day from South Carolina. I had ordered some of Sophia's workbooks from a lady. She had some others that I needed as well but I told her I would have to wait as I couldn't afford all of them. What a giving heart the lady has as she sent them all to me with a note that says, "Don't worry about it, we homeschoolers have to stick together and raise our children to be understanding" Made me want to cry! As soon as I can I plan on sending her something special. I am still waiting on an ebay purchase that I ordered for Cooper. Hopefully it gets here today.
Well guess that is all the updates I have- have a great week everyone!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Things that make me scream!
Technology.
We are in a love hate relationship. I have never been one to be "up" on the latest greatest piece of technology- from computers to whatever. Even in high school/junior high when everyone was using messenger and "chatting" I just wasn't into it. I didn't get on the internet much. I didn't have a cell phone until my senior year in high school--which in turn reads 2004!! I still have the same phone plan from HS with my hubby's phone line added. No we do not have smart phones... and we don't want them. Don't NEED them. Who does really? Why are we so dependent on technology? Why-- because it has ruined us. You may not realize it but I can see it. Even right now- I could be writing this down in my little pink spiral bound journal that I keep in my purse but no I am on a computer.
I have been thinking about this a lot and it is one reason why I want to use Rod and Staff for our curriculum for homeschooling. Since beginning my homeschool trek I have joined numerous groups. Everyday I see moms posting questions like this: "What website will teach my 5 year old how to read?" or "What website will teach my 7 year old his addition facts?" or "What movie covers history the best for my 5th grader?" Seriously!! FOLKS!! Why are these parents not asking for help to help themselves to teach their children. I don't want my children to think that they can't live without technology- can't learn without it! Do I not let my kids play on the computer? Of course I do-- with a time limit and it is a reward. They are not dependent on it.
The other night while reading a few books to the kids that I had picked up at a thrift store (for $0.05 each!!) I chose Harry the Dirty Dog- both my kids said, "Oh I love this book! We heard it on the Smartboard!" Wait What? On the smartboard? So your teachers didn't read it to you? "no" {Me SCREAMING inside!!} "Do you use the smartboard a lot at school?" Yep! {!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ahhhhhhhhhhh} We go on and read the book and they both tell me that I read it better. Well no duh!? What kid wouldn't rather listen to a real person over a screen? It really makes me question what the teachers really do teach or if the smartboards do all the teaching?
My kids go to a very rural school- in a small district. K-12 has around 300 kids. With that being said one of the first graders has an i-phone. Seriously? I really don't even know exactly what that is. I may soundstupid or crazy... lol
And yet my kids are still in public school... why do I torture myself with this? I know I need to move on and put on a good front so m kids are at peace. I have got to quit dwelling on certain things.
I have been thinking about this a lot and it is one reason why I want to use Rod and Staff for our curriculum for homeschooling. Since beginning my homeschool trek I have joined numerous groups. Everyday I see moms posting questions like this: "What website will teach my 5 year old how to read?" or "What website will teach my 7 year old his addition facts?" or "What movie covers history the best for my 5th grader?" Seriously!! FOLKS!! Why are these parents not asking for help to help themselves to teach their children. I don't want my children to think that they can't live without technology- can't learn without it! Do I not let my kids play on the computer? Of course I do-- with a time limit and it is a reward. They are not dependent on it.
The other night while reading a few books to the kids that I had picked up at a thrift store (for $0.05 each!!) I chose Harry the Dirty Dog- both my kids said, "Oh I love this book! We heard it on the Smartboard!" Wait What? On the smartboard? So your teachers didn't read it to you? "no" {Me SCREAMING inside!!} "Do you use the smartboard a lot at school?" Yep! {!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ahhhhhhhhhhh} We go on and read the book and they both tell me that I read it better. Well no duh!? What kid wouldn't rather listen to a real person over a screen? It really makes me question what the teachers really do teach or if the smartboards do all the teaching?
My kids go to a very rural school- in a small district. K-12 has around 300 kids. With that being said one of the first graders has an i-phone. Seriously? I really don't even know exactly what that is. I may sound
And yet my kids are still in public school... why do I torture myself with this? I know I need to move on and put on a good front so m kids are at peace. I have got to quit dwelling on certain things.
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